“What Now?”: Finding Joy and Peace on the Uncharted Journey
The struggle with comparison still tries to rear its ugly head even more than a year after finishing college. I still find myself doubting my path even being confident of my destination.
You’re not doing enough. You’re not working enough. What are you doing with your time?
This comparison always comes when my focus shifts from pursuing the path the Lord has placed me on to gawking at and envying the journeys of those around me.
Everyone else seems so sure of what they’re doing and where they’re going.
When I think about it, I do too. I know where I am going. I just don’t know how I’m getting there.
I’ve got the long-term dream down.
It’s the short-term “why” that I’m unsure of.
That’s the difference. Everyone else seems to be focused on their short-term.
I am focused on my long-term.
My long-term is very unique.
I believe I am called to mother.
Since a very young age, God planted the seed of desire in me to be a wife and a mom.
It has never gone away; never wavered, never lessened. That desire has been sprouting and growing in me ever since I can remember.
But it hasn’t bloomed yet. As of my writing this, that dream has not come to fruition.
Figuring out my “what now?” has been the challenge the last couple of years, especially after college. What do I do in the mean time?
Long story very short, I’ve felt like I wasn’t doing enough, but also that I wasn’t doing enough of the right kind of thing.
It wore me down, and required a bit of emotional-wrestling to untangle what God was trying to show me:
My journey is different because my destination is different.
And just because my journey is different does not mean that it is wrong.
Different journeys require different preparation; different amounts of work and different kinds of work.
The work that has been required of me in this season has been heart-work first and foremost; He been working in me, as much as through me.
God cares about my heart more than He cares about my hustle.
This work is the vital prerequisite work that must happen in order to reap all the blessing that is the natural consequence of God-given and God-honoring dreams.
In life you may know what lessons you need to learn; but knowing what you need to learn and actually learning it are entirely different.
Knowledge doesn’t necessarily equal understanding.
Knowledge is in your head, understanding is in your heart.
As I was struggling to find purpose in this season of singleness and post-college life, my mind was stuck on the idea that this season of my life was only being utilized well if I was making lots of money at a traditional full-time job.
That’s not the kind of life I want. Have I just been wasting my time? In my head I knew these doubts to be untrue. My value, success…are not dependent on any of this stuff.
But my heart was struggling to understand the value in my choices. I questioned my ability to steward well of all the resources and skills and knowledge God has given me. I couldn’t reconcile what I want with what’s “expected of me”. Why pursue xyz, when that won’t lead me any closer to my calling?
If marriage and motherhood are what God is calling me to, what has been the purpose in having to wait?
“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”
~Luke 12: 48b
My misunderstanding was rooted in my flawed perception of God’s character. My frustrations were blurring my vision of God’s kindness and grace.
Because His timing isn’t punishment. We have a generous God, and a “scarcity mindset” is never an accurate representation of His character or heart toward His children.
His timing is good.
His timing is merciful.
God’s timing is so perfect. I know this to be true, and the trust that I have in my Father for the future is due to His being abundantly faithful in my past. His timing is never delayed even though my narrow mind may perceive it to be.
I’m just a dense human. So, even after years of preaching this to myself, finally one day it just clicked:
Big dreams require big responsibility and so require big preparation…
And preparation requires….time.
God is giving me time, not making me wait.
(Although these are not mutually exclusive.)
Giving me time to wrestle and untangle the lies from the truth; to acknowledge that I had something to learn, that I had things I didn’t understand; to acknowledge that I wasn’t as ready as I’ve always thought I was.
In His loving kindness and mercy, God has been saving me from myself.
He knew the healing my heart still needed; He knew the questions I still needed to grapple with.
With His help, He has been allowing me time to declutter the baggage gathering dust in the corners of my heart, so that when I do start my own family, they won’t have to be weighed down with my unnecessary stuff.
This paradigm shift has freed me from a weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying, producing a deep sense of freedom and peace.
This peace has become the foundation for my contentment each day and is what maintains my joy with the passing of time as I wait for my dreams to come to fruition. It is what helps me to serve well in the capacities God has allowed for now, and to be thankful for those gifts and responsibilities before expecting (or receiving) bigger, better, different, more.
In understanding that God is preparing me in this season, I also found comfort in knowing that I am preparing.
I’m not passively waiting on whatever is next. I’m not sitting on my butt or mooching off anyone. I’m not avoiding responsibility or taking the easy way out.
I’m being faithful with what I’ve been given.
I’m learning skills and knowledge that is healthful and beneficial for myself right now, as well as for my future family. Through trial and error, I’m learning what works to support the simple life I desire. I’m reading, researching, practicing, and seeking wisdom. I am learning how to steward my time, money, relationships, health, energy, skills…I’m learning to contribute to my own home and household with a right heart.
“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”
~Proverbs 24:3-4
The investment of time that I’m making to learn these things now will allow my family and home to be built and established in wisdom; and the space cared for with the riches of knowledge that will contribute to our long-term well-being and worship of God.
From the outside looking in it may seem as though I’m stagnant. I don’t know if anyone else can see the work being done beyond what my employment status or job title may be. And those things are the least important.
The work being done in me is foundational.
It’s demo work and reno work that is necessary before I try building the rest of my life atop of it.
The work God is doing assures strong, secure progress. It requires a strong foundation.
It’s not something I can always articulate. It’s not something you’re always going to be able to notice.
But my obedience is not dependent upon approval or validation. When people judge or misunderstand my journey, I’ve learned that I don’t owe them an explanation. Those walking alongside me can see the Lord’s hand on the path I’m taking. I’m done striving for earthly approval or understanding when the things I’m being called to hold eternal purpose.
I don’t have to prove myself. I just need to let my life bear the fruit.
So beautiful! I love the confidence you have in the calling God has placed over your life. Just because it is different doesn’t make it wrong. Love that. And so very true!
“God is giving me time, not making me wait” That is so perfectly said Katie!!! So very humanly simple but so spiritually profound.